'cos i'm a brat, and i know everything and i talk back, and i'm not listening to anything you say.

i'm a bit of a glutton for the mighty online quiz. we're not just talking online iq tests and personality tests, but also shit that tells you what percentage masterbator you are and actually rates your gaydar. thus, it comes as no real surprise that i joined okcupid...i mean it's free, there's tons of tests, and the worst thing that can happen is i get an e-mail from someone who isn't a total moron...which is wishful thinking to begin with.

anyway, i did get an e-mail from a guy who was moving to cleveland from los angeles...which is something that is vaguely familiar to me seeing as i pretty much made that same trek three years ago. we e-mailed back and forth a bit, chit chatted on instant messenger a bit, and no where in that time did i hide the fact that i was seeing boytoy, and no where in that time did i express the desire to go out and get my date-on with anyone other than boytoy.

that leads me to sometime last week when said guy, whom we shall now refer to as el-douch-o, and i were talking and he was teasing me about how i'm going to marry boy-toy and i expressed my uncertainty concerning boytoy and i making it much past the weekend...but never mentioned why, which was because we had hit a rough patch and i was at my wits end as to how to solve things without having an actual confrontation...because, for as fiesty and shitty as i am...i really do hate talking about my feelings and making people i care about feel less than fan-fuckin-tastic.

he pretty much shut me down, then followed up his desire for me not to "dump" on him with the completely casual phrase "well, you're a waste of time aren't you?"...so, i figured that was the end of our conversation, muttered "hah, asshole" under my breath and went on my merry way. no real loss on my part...it's not like i knew the guy in anyway, and it's not like i gave a shit if he talked to me or not.

but, there's always more. so, when i wake up on saturday and check my myspace e-mail there's a message sitting there from el-douche-o. goody goody gum drops! the e-mail read as follows:

Elle,

Normally I would never do this but since you were (usually) nice to me and taught me a few things about CLE I will. Consider yourself lucky. You may learn something. I get the impression that you’re looking for a guy friend. The reason why girls befriend guys (that they haven’t fucked/had realtionships with) is that they don’t find them attractive. So to me that’s a waste of my time. I have other tail to chase. I don’t need a girl to cry on my shoulder and whine about her b/f problems to me. Especially since I’m normally that guy who other girls whine and cry to others about.

Anyway, you did seem vaguely interesting. Your looks are ok but your attitude and style interested me a whole lot more. Too bad. Might have been fun to go on a date with you. Nothing special mind you, just a normal date. Oh well. Your loss. Not mine really. Good luck and I hope someday you find happiness or whatever the hell it is you’re looking for. Later.

MG

i read it and had the most confused and "what the fuck?"-ish face ever, according to my friend who was sitting next to me. i know i always go out of my way to e-mail someone an explanation for why i think they're a waste of time in my opinion, especially when i don't consider the loss mine in any which way.

riiiiiiight.

so, never one to not at least get a jab in, i e-mailed him back:

Mark,

Normally I wouldn't do this either but you seem disturbingly unaware of how things seem to work in a realistic sense. I consider myself lucky because I have four best friends--who are all male, mind you--who adore me, love me, and who are there for me no matter what and no matter where I find myself. I also have a wonderful family--so, in reality, I have no real reason to go out of my way to make a "male friend" so I have a shoulder to cry on--so, you were wrong on that count.

Now, you may learn something-so pay attention. I get the impression you think that simply conversing with someone in a purely internet forum entitles you to have some kind of date with the individual you're talking to, wholly disregarding the fact that the basis of any relationship--dating or not--is getting to know someone and judging from there. I'm sorry if you honestly thought you had a shot of getting something more than verbage from me, but I suppose that goes to your "waste of time" postulation about the entire situation. Obviously upon talking to you online I was supposed to make my life 3,000 miles away completely stop and sit around in eager anticipation for your arrival and our subsequent date. I'm also orry that at the ripe old age of twenty-nine you are still so fucking jaded that you can't see past your own insecurities and bullshit experiences to not simply pass someone off as a "waste of time" because you can't immediately hope into the saddle and get right to dating. I'm even more sorry that you honestly think you were being a big, kind-hearted person by going supposedly out of your way to e-mail me your bullshit excuse for the way things work in this world, and honestly thinking you could actually teach me something in that deleterious diatribe.

Wait, I take that back. You did teach me something-you're inconsiderate, selfish, washed out, and egotistical--all the things I absolutely loath in people. I didn't find you attractive, but at least I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt in every sense of the phrase, unlike you who cast me away as a waste of your time simply because I'm seeing someone at the moment.

I would wish you good luck in your journey to find someone who is enough of a dullard to put up with you, but it seems you've already found yourself and you're in love.

Don't bother replying.
-E

i swear...i'm a douchebag magnet.

_________**UPDATE**__________

a "reply" e-mail from el-douche-o with the subject line: "Nice fuckign blog entry bitch"--which, no doubt, further proves that i'm the one with the issues, the insecurities, and the one who bears the loss.

Elle,

Oops I bothered. You really left me no choice. I always get the last jab. Hey I’m kind of sorry I hurt you. I might even feel kind of guilty about it. Obviously, it bothered you a lot since you FUCKING POSTED IT ON YOUR BLOG! Yes I’m a step above the retards and plankton you probably date or fuck. I’m smart and I’m cunning, much wiser than you could ever hope to be. Once again you’ve proved that lawyers aren’t necessarily wise.

I wasn’t trying to give you a bullshit excuse. I really did enjoy talking to you. You do have some awesome qualities that I really like but you’re also Jewish. I did learn something. Date one large breasted, neurotic, unstable, Russian/Jewish chick you’ve pretty much dated them all. You have so much in common with one of my ex’s I wouldn’t be surprised if you two were related. And I’ll be damned if make that fucking mistake again. Unlike you, I learn from my shitty relationships.

As far as insecurities go, I really don’t have any. Admittedly I’m bitter after living in flaky so cal for so damn long (Note: I lived in Orange County, not LA, bitch). But I’m hardly insecure. As far as your male friends go, don’t be so naïve. Guys are only interested in one thing and you should know quite well what that is. If you disagree with me try calling one of them, flirt, and ask if he’ll come over and pound you tonight. Most likely he’ll be ringing the doorbell before you hang up the phone. Anyway, I know I’m easy to talk to but it does get old when everyone brings/dumps all their problems on me.

You may joke about putting off your life for someone 3,000 miles away but my last serious g/f did just that. Might have worked out too. But I turned my back on her. Hmmm kind of like I did to you. Anyway, I do give you props for pissing me off in ways that only my ex-g/f’s have. You truly are one cold, evil Jewish/Russian bitch.

MG

haha!! i love it when people have no idea who i am and how i operate...i also love that he still manages to put himself up higher on a pedestal while trying to berrate me in some way that's wholly unknown to me. i'm sure he'll read this, seeing as he finds me a total waste of time and has no intention of ever talking to me again yet still reads my blog...so to him i shall say: you're truly pathetic..but, honestly? thanks for the laugh..i'm near tears over here. woo! i needed that.