when you feel your arms wrapped around you, you'll think of me and wish that it was me choking you instead.

a new year, a new position in time, a new outlook
--afterall, 2006 was abso-fuckin-lutely terrible--

"a friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. "

people, as i'm sure i've reiterated more than enough times, never cease to amaze me.

sometimes it's the type of amaze that leaves me shaking my head with a goofy grin on my face and the simple words "you fucking idiot" ringing in my ears. othertimes, it's the type of amaze that makes me want to crawl further into myself and not deal with people at all.

this time around, it's the "retreat! run the fuck away!" type of amaze. i'd rather not go into the details of the entire fucking shebang--and there are reasons for my decision which extend to the fact that a few people may know the individual.

regardless, i'm not dwelling on the acrid actuality of it all...rather, i'm delighted that for the first time in my life i'm not only brutally aware of the fact that friendship entails effort on the part of both participants..and not half assed effort, but a paralleled and almost equal level of effort...but that i'm actually allowing that fact to rule my actions.

no more running after so-called "friends," no more making sure i'm somehow involved and aware of what goes on in their life, no more going out of my way to make sure i see them when and if possible, and no more fooling myself into thinking i can count on people simply because i know they count on me.

i'm no longer in the business of self sacraficing and being constantly available to those individuals who like to dubb themselves "my friend" but will never ever reciprocate the no-holds-bar attitude that forms the foundation of a true friendship.

"the family is a haven in the heartless world"

i sometimes paint my family into an aweful corner with a paintbrush wrought with my constant failures to live up to expectation and my apparently endless disappointments.

that's not very fair.

i absolutely adore my family, and i make no attempts to hide that. my family also drives me up a fucking wall, and, once again, i don't really hide that. yet, what i'm guilty of allowing my thoughts to wreak havoc upon that stems from their overall intention to ensure my well being, prosperity, and overall success via the avenue of seemingly turning my life into a game of risk-copulates-with-stratego, isn't necessarily worth me proverbially going off on them...in text...on the world wide web.

resenting your family is normal...resenting your family in the most clandenstine way possible is just fucking stupid. thus? no more. if i can't open my mouth about it to them, i can't bitch and moan about it in any other medium.

hopefully this will force me to expres my thoughts to them...or, i'll just repress it. whichever i'm strangely fine with.

"self is the only prison that can ever bind the soul"

i think i may hold the title for queen of existing within the confines of my own little mind. i refrain from doing a lot of things simply because...of, well? me.

i need to stop being my own worst enemy, as cliche as that is to say. i also need to stop making myself completely miserable by letting all my insecurities flourish and refusing to stray too far from the image i think i should portray.

i'd say on the cusp of twenty-five, it's time to start peering out from behind my own protective ways...and commence deconstructing this picture i'm seemingly stuck in.

i don't think i'm ready to go drop out of law school, give my parents a heart attack and the proverbial finger, and go off and figure my shit out while i snowboard and smoke pot for a while...but i'm taking baby steps to expanding my horizons and expanding other avenues of possibility.

i'm taking the band thing much more seriously, i'm taking a few web design classes on the side, i'm working out like a mad woman so i can finally get to where i want to be, and i'm trying to be less asocial.

see what else i can muster up.