suckin' on my titties like you wanted me, callin' me all the time like blondie. it's fine all of the time like sex on the beaches. fuck the pain away.

let me eschew you with a warning:

i have bruises on my inner thighs.

we're talking black and blue along the entire area defined as "inner thigh."

i know, you're probably sitting there thinking it's from muy thai, krav maga...or some other lunatic activity i absolutely adore...and i can't say i fault you for thinking along those lines because when i opened my shower curtain, peered in the mirror, and saw the lovely bruises i muttered a "fuck" and assumed it was from me being an absolute ass clown; however, i haven't really done anything that fucktarded in the past two weeks on account of the holiday weekend, finals, and getting over pneumonia. in fact, the only thing i've done in the past two weeks outside of running and lifting weights, is bag work...and even though the bag moves and smacks into you when you hit...well? i'm not sitting there with my legs wrapped around it while punching. [nice mental image, i know..heh]

it then dawned on me that a friend spent the night on friday on account of me being so absolutely wasted that i was stumbling around [reminder kids. don't drink and not eat. k? k!]. being the swell guy he is, he offered to drive my car home for me and make sure i was okay...so sweet huh? so, earlier this afternoon i called him: "dude, did anything happen on friday night?" "what do you mean?" "like...physical shit?" "not really. we made out, some heavy petting..but even when you're faded you're a total prude. you wouldn't let me even get a hand down your pants, let alone take them off...same with your shirt. you were drunk as shit, i was tipsy, don't worry...i don't think it means anything."

total aside:

aside from the last statement making me happier than a pig in shit because he has had a "thing" for me for a while, i wound up spending an hour sitting and thinking what the fuck is wrong with me? it's so not my style to make out with a random person, or a friend...even when i am drunk...OH! but when you have fantasies and sex dreams that all involve you masterbating because you have been bereft of any human sexual contact for that long....when the prospect of human contact arises, you take it...even if it's just some heavy petting and making out. oh, and while i'm being random and in the mood to share..to anyone who asks why i am kinda anti vibrator...well, let me just say i have a finite reason now: vibrator+piercing=click, click, click, click and the mood is dead. yay!

what confuses the shit out of me is what the fuck he was doing. i mean, i've been celebate for a while but i'm not a total newbie..and never before in my life have i ever had bruises on my inner thighs because i was engaging in some hot and heavy seventh grade action with a guy. i've never even had bruises on my innter thighs after a night of rough sex. alright, fine..my pants stayed on...but was he petting? or jab-jab-cross-ing my crotch in the hopes i'd feel a tingle and moan?!

that leads me to this public service announcement of da buttah's broadcasting system:

if you have a dick, it's attached, and you're trying to get with a chick...here is the shit you should not do...especially if that girl is me.

1. the clit. all men claim to know where it is, all women are shocked as fuck that men can't seem to find it. how hard is to find a nubby beanish thing? it feels like nothing else down in the swamp thing and it's towards the top of the cute little verticle smile. some girls, like me, have a proverbial x that marks the spot, and yet? guys forgo the giant "hello, my clit is here" barbell and dig around for god fucking knows what. if you can't find it, if you're clueless, if the chick is not into it at all, laughing, or you can tell she's trying to guide you towards it....don't fight it! go with the guiding, or fucking ask her to show you. we'll appreciate it more.

aside from the failure to find it, what men seem to do with it is somewhat astonishing. men, do you want a girl to bite on your dick? no, so why the fuck are your teeth anywhere near my clit? why are your teeth even exposed during your dine out session? same rules apply for eating cream puff as they do for sucking dick: NO TEETH. along those same lines, i've heard more than enough men bitch about a girl who pulls too hard on their junk...and yet? i think amost every guy i've ever been with has felt compelled and ergo acted upon this sick need to see how far my clitoris can extend from my body. dude! don't do that--it hurts. suck on it fine, don't fuckin try and rip it off...there's nothing pleasureful about it.

as a personal pet peeve regarding my piercing: it's a metal barbell that goes through the hood and guys are like a dog with a bone when it comes to it...and guess what? pulling on a barbell that goes through a flap of skin that is not even a quarter inch thick, or sucking on the aforementioned barbel like a fucking pork rib does not feel good. the point of the barbell is to heighten senstaion in the clitoris by "channelling," so to speak, any caress in the nether regions to that cute little bean because it sits right over it. in essence, it's supposed to make your job easier....and yet? you sit there pulling, biting, and suction-holding it rather than rubbing it. *sigh* idiots.

oh, and the no pulling, no hardcore sucking, and no pulling also applies to nipples.

2. vagina. to start, props for being able to find that fairly easily. there are fumbles, but i think after high school and, at the latest college, that's over. that, however, does not mean you are in the clear. in essence, i don't really blame men, per se, for their total fuck ups with the vah-jay-jay...rather, i think all the no-no's come from the porn industiry. first up on the no-no's is the jack-hammer. not sure where men got this idea that slamming their dick into a girls vagina over, and over, and over again at high speed and rapid succession was going to make her squeal with orgasmic delight...but get that fucking idea out of your head. just 'cause the chick in the porn screamed louder when the dude begain slamming the fuck out of her does not make it something women want. porn is fantasy, predominately male fantasy....but aside from penetration there really is nothing realistic about it. is your dick as big as the guy in the porn? yea, i didn't think so and that's exactly my point. the jack-hammer is vaginal abuse and you can actually bruise a woman's vagina by doing it...if you bruise her vagina, you not only will not be jack-hammering her for a while but you won't be getting laid for a while. the message is clear: if you want to slam your dick repeatedly into something extremely fast, take your left hand, make a "c" with it, and have a blast. if you want to actually have your dick find a warm, wet, happy home...stop jackhammering.

in the area of dining...never in my life have i ever met a woman who actually enjoyed it when a guy shoved his tongue into her vag...which i'm sure some guys will dispute [and have disputed with me when i've brought this up] and some women will to.... but, from my experience no chick really gets anything from it. i've seen it in more than enough porns to understand why guys think it's a thing to add to their "to do" list..but think of it this way: there's a reason your dick gets hard...there's a reason you use your fingers to manually stimulate her...there's a reason why every sex toy on the market is firm and not squishy...that reason is because that's what turns we womenfolk on. using your tongue is the equivalent of shoving a marshmallow in a key hole...yea, sure it fills it...but it doesn't open the fuckin door. not to mention, while you're busy trying to taste our uterus...we're laying there wondering when you'll get back to the shit that feels good, and if that woman is me...my mind fairly quickly wanders to shit that isn't condusive to getting off. keep your tongue out of my vag and up by the clitoris it's supposed to be playing with and things will work out just dandy.

when you are in foreplay mode and clothes have not come off yet--at least not the pants--don't waste your time trying to access the love canal. you can rub, you can blow on it [boys, that feels awesome], but there's a layer of clothe seperating your hand from her cooch...and in most cases two layers because she's also got underwear on...the odds of you getting near penetrating are none. focus on other things, like her breasts, her neck, her ears, her tummy, her jawline etc...and leave it alone...otherwise she might end up with bruised inner thighs like yours truly and it ain't pretty.

also, when in foreplay mode with clothes on...remember those one to two layers seperating you from her cooch? yea, remember that when you're on top of us with your own pants on doing the ol' dry humpage action. i know you want to show off how big, manly, and well-endowed you are...but not even ron jeremy is well-endowed enough to make his penis felt through two pairs of pants without jabbing his pelvis into a chick. we know you're hard...it really doesn't take much to make you hard...you don't have to prove it, just like you'd be weirded the fuck out of we tried to sit on your face while wearing pants to show you how wet you make us.

we'll leave it at that...for now. i'm sure i'll have some more retarded fucked up fumblings to report back to you that will be a giant red flag for men out there to stop whatever the fuck it is they think turns we women folk on.

live long and prosper, oh xy-ed ones.