talk to me. can you listen to me now? it's as if you seem to make a small effort but you're bending my mind and you try to suffocate and smother me.

i'm back.

for better or for worse. i would presuppose better because this means i'll actually get some sleep..and by some i mean more than three hours, which seems to be the magic number for how much sleep i was allotted during my vacation.

anyway, i suppose a "vacation in review is in order," and seeing as lists make me wet....enjoy a top ten, because as much as i love you..i love the tingle in my nether regions more. [i know, i just keep selling y'all out for my own selfishness...but i do it with the utmost respect and love, i swear.]

10. my hotel was awesome. really, it was worth the little to nothing i actually paid for it...and i had a rather large tv, a king size bed, a huge bathroom, and a little lounging couch that was spectacularly cute. that's how i would describe the place...spectacularly cute; however, i still cannot get over the fact that the entire bathroom was mirrored, which makes for an interesting going-to-the-bathroom process. even more strange? the closet was actually in the bathroom. what the shit? perhaps it's not that weird, but i just can't get over how random and strange that is.

9. nothing is more amusing than different cultures, even if the culture differences are as subtle as those between california and the midwest/east coast. people in cali aren't the most social of creatures when it comes to strangers, but for some reason people west of the mississippi are social little fuckers who will talk to anyone and anything within the vicinity, so long as they seem cool. cali found it strange that a guy would talk to her and preface it with "i have a girlfriend, she's right there, " or say "i have a wife, but you are gorgeous," but...that's how we roll.

8. along with the cultural differences, the temperature differences are hilarious. los angeles seemed to have trasnplanted themselves for the ucla v notre dame game [which they should have won, but we won't go there], and the girls i was hanging out with are also from the la area....so while i'm walking around in nothing more than a rain coat, a light sweater, and a tank top...everyone around me seemed to be ready for a blizzard with down coats, scarves, gloves...i even saw ear muffs. it was in the forties most of the weekend....so imagine explaining to them that forties is what the famed and insanely loved "indian summer" is, and how it's awesome weather for this time of year.

7. i realized that i will never get hit on when i go out...but i'm strangely fine with that because i shmooze something mighty fierce, and i'd say that's better than having some guy interested in taking me home, fucking me that night, and never talking to me again...let alone having him not know my name or having to endure the sheer and utter joy [/sarcasm] that is the walk of shame.

6. i also realized that underwear is just not for me. i wore it out to the club, and i spent half of the night adjusting it. i suppose it was inevitable that i would reach the point if a complete and total inability to wear undies outside of while at the gym since i gave up wearing it [for purely financial reasons...that shit is expensive!] almost three years ago, but i never thought returning to my roots of seperating my ass form my pants with a tiny layer of lace would be such a fucking annoying experience.

5. and the last realization, i promise, is it finally dawned on me how much new york city is a part of who i am. i usually just dismiss my love of nyc to nothing more than the fact i've spent a lot of my life there, my childhood friends live there, and the atmosphere of nyc is prevalent in my attitude, my mannerisms, and the way i talk...but while walking the streets and looking around, i actually felt a bit depressed because it made me miss nyc--not my friends, not my favorite places, not revel in the memories, but i missed the actual location. along with that, it's pretty much codified in my mind that if i do, in fact, move to a large city within the united states i would be completely fooling myself and cheating myself if that large city is anywhere other than nyc

4. i hate clubbing. i like to dance, just not in public and not in a serious manner..so clubbing for me is basically sitting there watching other people, and getting yelled at to shake my ass. accordingly, i've circumvented the yelling and subsequent guilt for being a complete white girl by not even bothering to go onto the dance floor. thus, on friday night while everyone shook their asses, i sat at the vip bar--which having ovaries got me into..so it was totally vip, obviously [hah!]--and started talking to the bartender. i paid for one drink the entire night, and everyone in our lil' ol' group didn't pay for a single drink the rest of the night, either. told you shmooze something totally fierce!

3. we got home from the bar around five in the morning on saturday, so i crawled into my awesome king size bed....which was a total waste because i never move from the edge of the right side of the bed, and i don't think i ever will...around six in the morning, and around seven-thirty in the morning i hear people talking insanely loudly right outside of my room. alright, my room was in front of the elevator and i totally concede the point that it would be ridiculous for me to mandate complete and utter silence for anyone in the hallway waiting for the elevator, but...i think it's common courtesy at seven-thirty in the morning to mandate "inside" voices. i could hear everything this bitch was saying...so, i throw on my winter sweater, close it so my tits aren't hanging out, open the door, and ask her if she would mind keeping it down. the two older women apologized, but this little blonde bitch around my age actually had the audacity to open her fucking mouth and say "well, maybe you should go downstairs and ask for a room not in front of the elevator," to which responded "it's called common courtesy, i don't care if you talk...just be a little more quiet because i can hear everything you're saying." "well, you're right in front of the elevator. what did you expect? total silence? besides, it's almost eight in the morning, you should be up anyway. we're up." "just keep it down, or i'll make sure to call the front desk and complain about you specifically."...and i shut the door. too lat ethough. once i'm awake, i'm awake...and i was awake. that cunt.

2. while laying in bed praying i wasn't hear some dumbfuck airhead blonde talk about how slow the elevator is---keep in mind we were on the thirty third floor and there was one functional elevator as a result of rennovation...so obviously she's a swift little cunt because it takes a rocket scientist to put a and b together to get the result of a slow elevator--she also mentioned she and her boyfriend were running the marathon. well, guess who was insanely loud in the hallway last night with the rather cool guy she met in the hotel bar at four in the morning? and guess who walked out into the hall to say "it's four in the morning and i'm running the marathon tomorrow, do you have to be so loud in the hallway?" and guess who smiled and replied "well, we're waiting for the elevator. you should maybe go downstairs and ask them to switch your room so you aren't near an elevator. besides, it's only four in the mrning, you should be up anyways. we're up." game. set. and i would have to say, match.

and! the number one vacation experience....

1. i arrived. i trekked to the baggage claim. i awaited almost, sorta, kinda, not really patiently. i got my luggage. i trekked to the taxi pick up area. i got in my taxi, after he helped me with my bags. he was a middle aged african american man...so, basically we had nothing in common at all and i hate humanity when i travel...so we made small talk and he turned up the radio. that's right folks...he and i had a bomb ass duet singing none other than "suddenly i see" by kt tunstall...and that? that was so fucking **awesome** it gets the rainbow-tossing double asterisk.

and with that...i'm going to pray my return flight isn't a turbulent fuckfest...and i actually get some sleep tonight.