when you know you can't go on cause everything is wrong your heart breaks-no one's there.i'm still alone but if i could change i'd be amazed

it was one single question.

seven words, adequate voice inflection at the end. it was the picture perfect example of inquest...and in those seven words with adequate voice inflection...in that picture perfect example of inquest...i found the gravity of the situation no longer resting silently in the viscera of the negligible.

i found it slumbering, passing lazily from chamber to chamber, refusing to leave its sanguine abode. i found it in every palpitation, and with every palpitation this unknown course of declivity was further traced such that each and every beat falls a little further from where it's traditionally supposed to be.

it hid.

i sought.

you questioned.

i found.

it hurts.

and sometimes when you get hurt, something shuts off.


the part of me that shut off was that tiny voice inside my head that told me how i feel is wrong, the miniscule murmer that shifted the inexplicable ache of every palpitation into normalacy faded away, and the raging articulation of the unwritten and unspoken agreement between us shattered.

that unwritten, unspoken, and wholly known agreement between us that stated ever so simply that i would lie to myself and tell myself that this is how i am, and in return you would continue in your bubble of my caveated existence and let me eschew the script you handed to me in those scenes where only i could be the victim of aspersion and you, your character, and your influence where nowhere near the horrific crime scene of judgement or questioning.

i generally fullfil my part of the agreement. i've happily placed myself in a divaricated state where upon i play the roles you've assigned to me, all the while keeping my own desires, thoughts, and myself as clandenstine as possible until things become a little too much to bear, and i'm no longer forced to play some pedantic part.

i'm so used to having to think a certain way and act a certain way, and i've grown insanely accustomed to striving for goals that i never wanted in the first place that even i believe that this is what i want, and that this is what i've wanted all along. do you know what that's like to have three voices other than your own at any givin time picking apart whatever hopes, dreams, or desires you have and chaining you to a logical path that you really never wanted, but trek upon because it really is so much easier to lie and charade your life away than to submit to the whips and chains of honesty? i know, and aside from the seven permentent reminders that scream at me that i do actually have free will, i've dissumulated my life away into this corner i'm in now, and the only way to get out of this corner is to continue what i've started and continue to execute flawlessly this master plan erroneously entitled my life.

i know there are options...there are always options.

i can abort mission and attempt to make ammends with myself and journey forth in holy matrimony with aspirations that were once asphyxiated by my people-pleasing ways but have been resurrected by the breath of fresh air that embodies velleity and volition. but in the end it doesn't really seem like much of a choice, does it? remain shackled to a character, or venture off and reap the embers of mirth that come with being accountable to only yourself....the choice seems painfully obvious, doesn't it?

but what's the point of an option if all it does is leave you with yourself? some existence that is--trotting merrily along doing as you wish and having no one of substance to share it with. family is the epitomy of substance and without them i fall apart.

and that's what you don't understand.

you speak to me in quantifications and caveats. you discuss with me via a rehashing of former declaration and decrees. you nitpick at my flaws, and castigate the tiny peices of me that slip through the cracks and seep through the bubble of my caveated existence. and each tme you speak to me, or discuss with me, or nitpick and castigate with the utmost of brutal honesty, i crawl a little more into myself. i distance myself a little further. i find it easier to falter from the expected path because things are getting too difficult. these hurdles that i feel i have to leap over to finally win your love and approval are getting to high, and it's becoming more and more painful everytime i leap.......
and fail.

but i've always had my safe havens. i've always had situations and settings where expectations and decrees faded away and all i had to do was skip happily to the beat of my own drum. those instances where i could let the side of me i sequester almost constantly have as loud of a voice as it wanted, because on these occassions that side of me was safe...these occassions were my sanctuary from the armed forces of everyone elses' conjecture.

i'm losing these places.

slowly but surely my sanctuary's are disappearing and more and more facets of my life are being invaded by the voices and requirements of outsiders, and despite how much each encroachment massacres what little of me i have left, and notwithstanding how much more each laceration stings than the last....i submit. i admit defeat, re-group, make ammends, and carry on with an entire section of my being missing, except now i have nowhere to run. now i'm completely out of places to hide. my final safe haven has been arrogated, and with that the fight in me finally woke up.

but it's too late.

it's become painfully obvious that who i am will never lead me to leap high enough to meet the barrage of expectations before me. who i want to be won't ever mirror the forecast you've predicted...it's who i could be that seals the proverbial deal.

who i am finally drifted away with a simple seven word inquiry, and now it's all a matter of who i can be. i've placed the opiate of acceptance and approval so far ahead of the creed "to thine own self be true," that i've plopped everything i want six feet under.

i wish on every fallen eyelash to unvest everyones interest in the course of my life and my choices. i ask shooting starts to go straight through my segregated heart, so that maybe the blood can flow as it should rather than pour out of the hole created by always trying to meet the conditions of unconditional love.

i want freedom from thes chains of love i unknowingly fell into...

but that's an impossibility, and i know that the love for you i have means i have to give myself away. i know i'm self detained and i have to live in this mess i've made.

i'm not ready to completely shut myself out.

you questioned. this move is my answer.

i just hope that veiling my only remianing sanctuary will be enough.