so i've spent the last four hours attempting to come to some kind of conclusory plan for my education...and it wasn't even one of those far reaching projections and oranizations..oh no, this was just for the upcoming summer and fall.. and dear fuckin god y'all...i am not going to be a happy camper. two accounting classes, one law class, two jobs....for the summer...and then five law classes, three accounting classe, and a job for the fall. HOY!! remind me to not be so ambitious in the future..i mean honestly....my ambition will seemingly kill me.
oh! and let me just hand cleveland, ohio their props. why? because only here...ONLY HERE can it be sixty five degrees in the morning, and blizzarding by night...which is exactly what will happen here if weather.com is, in fact, right. even if it doesn't blizzard....it'll still snow. no rain, no real warning....it'll just start flurrying out of nowhere....bleh...mother nature is nothing but a big fat cock tease when you live here in the lovely cleveland, ohio.
anyway!
i'm all shades of fucked up by the awesomeness that is daylight savings. i find it hilarious that if you take me, and plop me someplace where the time difference is 15 hours..i have abslutely no problem...but if you take me to the central time zone, i'm beyond fucked up. i guess it's my fault because i do live my life by a fairly regimented schedule, and taking me off by a lot of hours just makes my psyche bunk the whole fuckin system i live my life by...but you take me off kilter by an hour, and i think i'm just left to physically and mentally grapple with trying to somehow make things still fit. whatever, either way..i'm a fuckin zombie...have been since sunday, probably will be 'til nex monday.
(and yes, i realize my life is thoroughly depressing, and how living your life by the mighty wand of time is just not a good way to go about things..but, i like it and it helps me get my shit down...so for now, i'im sticking with it....)
regardless, my weekend was fairly uneventful, except for the sinking notion i have that i ended up being completely different than what someone expected me to be...and i'm not sure how to deal with that.
i can chalk it up to him being a fuckin idiot for letting his imagination run wild with whatever percption of me and just give him and his fallen expectation the proverbial finger...and let that be the end
or feel insanely disappointed that i am, just that, a disappointment.
everyone is guilty of letting their imagination get the best of them...and expectations are created, characteristics and appearances are forged, and a vast sea of assumptions are made....it's just something we do...and when things aren't as we expected? we get pissed, we feel kind of betrayed...and in the end, the only thing we can blame is our fantastical chimeras...
so i can't fault him for having some kind of idea of me from the start. and i know i can't really fault myself for not fitting into whatever preconceived notion of me he had....and i'm well aware that reality is a mother fucker, and sorry...your thoughts of me and me in actuality may not coincide in the way you wanted, or at all...
but it still kind of weighs on my wee little heart a bit.
knowledge of who i am and how i am aside...sometimes all you really want is someone to like you...and it's not even that he didn't like me...
but i don't think he likes me the way he wanted to...if that makes any sense...because i just didn't fall into his equation like he had planned. and now? now, it just seems, to me, he's just going through the motions and niceties because that's what he thinks he has to do (he's a good guy, and i can't say anything against that)..
and that just makes me feel worse about the whole situation....which is really nothing more than how i see things from my own perspective....
which just kind of makes things more ludacris huh?
i'm sitting here wondering if i failed to meet someones unfounded expectations of me and in the same breath making my own unfounded scenarios in my head.
fuck..i can be such a silly girl sometimes...
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34 comments:
Umm yeah I hate questioning; If you are good enough or if you can live up to someone else's expectation of you...then you question if it is just you putting those expectations on yourself..and so on, it's awful all the way around.
Is that part of being a silly girl..cause it sucks!
Will: i always tell you you're a silly little girl :) human relations are a torrid love affair no? it's tough figuring out when you can let go and just trust the unforeseeable.
Christophelees: i'm not shy...i know who i am, and what i stand for, and what i want...i just don't know how to personify and actualize that while staying true to what peoples perceptions of me are...in particular, my family. i'm a people pleaser. fun shit. regardless, i think you know who you are..you are just scared to expose yourself.
Huneeb: it's vicious cycle, isn't it? not so sure it's being a silly girl per se, as being a silly homo sapien :)
that's a critical aspect of life, no? if it were easy to get what we want, would it still be what we want?
What up, buttah? Look, dudes are idiots. We are...We try so damn hard, but we suck out loud. Almost as much as the weather in Ohio. Believe me, I froze my ASS off in Cincy today. But, all in all, life is not all that depressing. If you still think so....Let's just drink tequila and sing karaoke...
Elle - you're kicking ass.
I know you want to try hard to live up to his expectations, but they aren't necessarily what's right for you.
Keep doing what you're doing.
Will: yea, that's what i'm saying. and sometimes the cost is your own personal integrity...so you subvert, you mimic the actions of the supposed pupper master, and achieve the end result you wanted. all the while, even though you got what you want, the self isn't always too happy. and ya know what? remind me never to ambien and comment...i just keep making this fucking mistake! oh! did you go to eli's b-day party on friday?
Mongoose: women try too. i appreciate a man who tries, but doesn't over step his bounds of trying and step firmly into the world of unattainable expectation. i agree, life isn't that depressing..and even if it is, the small things make it all worth while :) i'm down for the karaoke though!
Matt: uhm what am i kicking as at?
Singing karaoke of course...That is what you are kicking ass at...Whatever....
do you think it was expectations or attraction?
i mean there's that spark thing right? it's there or it isn't. so maybe it wasn't that you didn't meet some expectations as that you two just didn't do that 'click' thingy ...
tragic how important that is. but i think sometimes people give up too soon and don't see what happens when they get over pretending to be other people...
I with Goose. Don't doubt yourself because of this man. Don't try to live up to his expectations of you. Be who you are and be proud.
Now with that being said, I know that it is easier said than done and being female it is in our genes to question ourselves.
When you guys go karoking (sp?) I want to come!!!
Mongoose: i did kick ass at the karaoke thing...put enough beer in me and i'm straight diana ross up there
Sassinak: i'm not sure. i don't really care about the spark, because on my part it was nonexistant....but friendship wise, i think whatever was lacking in his head, just made that an impossibility in reality. it's cool. it happens, ya know? just kind of makes me go "hmmm, that sucks"
Kristen: i'm me :) though not always proud of that fact. i mean i'm okay with the way things played out, just the extent to which i didn't fit is kind of making me go "wonder what he was thinking"...because he obviously got his ideas about me from talking to me or what not. i don't think i come off different in person than i do in any other medium..but it just kinda makes you take a step back and wonder. and fuck yea, you're karaokeing with us!!
I understand.....totally. It's a date
Dude...you used the word Chimera. You are a goddess.
Other than that...I think people do that a lot...put their expectations on you that is...and that is the easiest way to become disappointed, disillusioned, and... you get the point.
I think it often happens when you meet someone online and you have this magnetic thing going on when you IM or when you talk on the phone and there are all of these things in your imagination about who this person will be once you meet.
And I totally agree with Sassy as far as people not giving it a proper chance to mature. Sometimes, if we just stop squirming and let ourselves be ourselves and not what we think that someone wants us to be, we find that they like who we really are and we like who they really are.
But also...we live in an instant gratification era...give me what I want now... and it has to be built to specification...if not, it gets discarded. And I think some people do this with people as well as things.
But I have learned to let go of expectations and take people for who they are. It makes life easier. And I tend to surround myself with people who will do the same.
-N
Kristen: awesome! i have a date!!!
Murphy: i have a habit of burning myself out to the point of not being able to move..and sadly, it makes me happy to have such heavy loads. and you love my girly ways. admit it!
Nat: chimera is an awesome word, no? i like to think i take people as they are. even in the fantastical world of the internet, and meeting people in that medium first, i don't really allow my self to have unprecedented expectations. it's just setting yourself up for disappointment. better to go into things clear eyed and with hope, than with some kind of expectation, i think. i'd be way more okay with the situation if he didn't go throught he motions with me. if you don't like me, or i don't fit into your scheme the way you want..that's cool, i'm fine with that....just be honest about it, you know? don't e-mail me/call me just because you feel obligated to.
This has a hint of Colorado to it, Dude.
No matter what people tell you, you'll think what you will and we can't change that. But seriously, if he built up expectations as to the person he thinks you are or wants you to be, and they're so off, then he's fucked in the head. You are in person who you are in every other medium.
Anybody who's disappointed in another for the sheer fact that the other doesn't live up to the idea they have of them in their head is more of an idealist than the world has room for.
Be bummed, be pensive, but don't start thinking that it's something you did or didn't do. Can't change who you are. People love it or they don't.
On another note, yeah, it's pretty fucking gay that he's walking through it with you...but maybe he's doing it to try and figure it out, ya know? Maybe he's not done figuring out how he feels about you.
But if you don't want to deal with it, then don't. Tell him to stop.
Word. I hate it when people do things out of guilt or a sense of duty. It's worse than being let go.
Sowwy you are going through that. Maybe you ought to be the mature one and have the dreaded convo he won't have.
*huugers*
-N
Dude: i really have no intention of dating the guy, so i really don't care if i'm a huge disappointment to him, specifically or not. just wondering if i project myself differently via various mediums..which i don't think i do. that's what has me bummed. the pms isn't helping at all either. like AT ALL. one of those fun months were all you want to do is lay in bed and be miserable, and cry. YAY! least i get it out of the way fairly early in the year. i agree though..it's pretty gay the he's seemingly going through the motions, but whatever. if it makes him feel better, have a party dude....and think i'm stupid and i don't know what's up.
Nat: no need for the dreaded convo. at least not on my side..he's the one that has to own up to whatever it is, not me. i'm just kind of here and having the fun fun time of sitting back and going "hmmm, sorry i sucked dude." no real harm, no real foul. don't really have any interest in the guy outside of being friends, anyway. just, like i told the dude..the ovaries are taking over..and i'm kind of powerless.
Fairy snuff...you are right. He should own up to it. Men can suck sometimes.
-N
Will: damn you. you have the ability of saying the most perfect things sometimes! i told you to tell me when you wanted your cookies, and i'd bake 'em for you! don't think i'm going to just drop them off, homeboy. you gotta work for 'em and *gasp* spend time with me muhahahaha!!
Nat: sometimes? most of the time. then again 99% of relationships are pretty much bound to failure, right?
it's really hard to be yourself online and i think that sometimes no matter how yourself you are people expect you to be someone else or more. as if online you wasn't all of you or you were projecting.
since most people aren't themselves online this makes sense but it does fuck those of us who are the same in real life as on the internet...
well i think i'm the same...
The only difference I see is that your writing can be a little more biting than you are in person. And there are lots of big words in your writing, too, that you tend to not use face to face.
But I also attribute both of those to your writing style in general...
why do you hate men so much? do you hate me too?
Sass: ridiculous isn't it? big old circumlouction into what could possibly be you or not you. which is kind of ludacris, because even in daily life, we do things that are out of our chracter, right? snarf!
Dude: yea, but everyone is a variation of themselves when it comes to writing things out, aren't they?
Shane: i so don't hate men. and i love you, my little muffin!
Trix: same saying here, my dear. and i hate it!
little? i'm a rugged mountain of a man.
That's what I'm saying. Your writing is you, but it's not, but it's also your writing style. If people wrote the way they talked...oh God, the horror.
I dunno, some people don't understand "multi-faceted."
Whatever. You're you.
oh yeah, shs also asked me, "where's da buttah been lately?"
and i was all like, "i dunno. go check her blog dipshit".
i think he misses you, but is too retarded to remember that you have your own blog.
You're kicking ass at school, at life, at being you. Maybe it's not so obvious from the inside, but it is from out here.
Shane: you're a rugged mountain of a muffin. and tell shs i say wassup :)
Dude: what a horrible world we'd live in if people spoke like they wrote. could you imagine?!! i am me. he didn't like it, i think..so fuck him, and next please.
Matt: i'm suckin at school man haha, where you getting that info from?!
Ducati: i like it deep. very deep. TEE HEE!
Just stopping by~ there was a pause in the insanity that is my work life...figured I'd spend part of it here!
Fuck' em if they don't like you for who you are girl!!! That's their issue, not yours so simply refuse to take ownership of their crap and go on being your fantabulous self!
*kisses!
No your not a silly girl.
For a lot of us, measuring up to expectations is a full time job. And though we have no control over other's preconceived projections it still hurts when we see the disappointment in their eyes. We can't help but hear that little voice in the back of our minds whisper,
"See, he knows. I told you he'd know. I told you weren't good enough and look at his face. What more proof do you need"
Well for me she knows it, but you get the idea.
Even though the rational voice says,
"Forget them. It's their problem not yours"
These negitive thoughts resinate and echo for days within my phyche.
Uh, I'm with Matt on that one. From the outsider perspective it pretty much looks like you're kickin' ass and takin' names.
...
Oo, that was so uber-ly cliche-ish or something. The pain.
Miss Innocent: it's not easy being fab-o-lous haha :)
LSD: it is a full time job..especially when what you want to be has always been in contradiction to what the most important people in your life expect you to be. fun stuff!
Dude: cliche..but who cares? so like, can i have your name?
Mimi: "being a wise cracking hard veneered bitch is a lot of work, so sometimes..its okay just to be soft"....wow...that about sums up my life. well put...very well put.
Marrow from harrow: never would take it the wrong way. oh..and uh.
you know what? you only get one life, this is when you decide who you live it for... but dude, no one will go to your grave for you.
other people's expectations are their problems until you start feeding into them and then they're yours too... otherwise? not so much.
let them expect whatever the fuck they want, you just work on being the you that's actually happy in her skin.
Um, what the Sassmaster General said.
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